Despite the fact that this is an industry I want to be working in, and I'm determined to make a go of this job, there are moments when I feel like walking out of the door without looking back. One such moment was this morning when the head honcho Pornographer started storming around the office, clutching a video catalogue in his paw. He was ranting about a gay video in the catalogue which starred "all Hungarian boys". It would seem that the Pornographer was in a flap because he regularly uses boys and girls from Hungary. I have no idea if he'd seen one of his regular Hungarian male models on the box (I don't think he had because he was talking about ordering the video to "check who was in it"), but he was banging on and on about finding out who starred in this video because it's his "duty to protect the girls". So my guess is he's not going to be using any Hungarian male models again.

Well, I knew this attitude was prevalent in the porn industry, but to hear my employer doing a huge anti-(male)gay tirade in the office made my blood boil, almost as much as the bleated agreeings of everyone in the office, and the wrinkled-up nose of the Pornographer's daughter when he was showing her the catalogue. I just kept my head down and my mouth shut, because I'm sure he'd find some grounds to fire me if he knew I have a bisexual boyfriend (etc).

Unfortunately, C & I have to go to a BBQ at the Pornographer's house on Saturday, which should be interesting. I think we'll stay as briefly as possible.

But it's just so hypocritical. Sure, some girls wouldn't want to do a porno with a guy who'd been in a gay movie. But surely then it's up to the girls themselves to decide, not for the Pornographer to sneak around trying to find which male models have been in gay films and then refuse to hire them without telling them why?

If it's STDs they're worried about... Well, all the models are tested monthly, but I've been told that the models never ask to see their co-stars' test results anyway.

And if the Pornographer is merely concerned about the "ick" factor of gay sex... Well, most of the movies he makes have anal in them anyway. As well as the mandatory lesbian scenes (which often have anal in them too).

Nah, it's just homophobia, plain and simple. One of the guys who came in to do the blowjob race yesterday was joking about a male model we use being in a solo jerk-off video, and "how gay" that is, and how the guy is probably having an affair with [producer of gay porn] etc etc.

Blah blah blah. All bullshit. I'd like to speak up about it, but I really think it would lead to them finding some reason to let me go. Fuck it. I was quite happy to tell a colleague about my trip to G-A-Y this weekend, I haven't got anything to hide.

Tossers.

Well, not much I can do except be myself. I've noticed that the Pornographer doesn't call my "darling" or "honey" etc any more, probably because he either thinks I'm an ugly dyke (he has a real thing against less-than-gorgeous women) or because he's noticed my increasingly "business only" attitude towards him. I'll work for him, but I don't want to be his friend.

Anyway.

I wimped out. I didn't go to the doctor's this morning. The ...thing was actually much better today and I'll keep on using OTC stuff. If it's not gone in a week I'll go see the doc, I promise (thanks all you who left gb messages - I feel like such a drama queen :-S )

Hey, I got a hit for "naked guys for women only". How cool. Depressingly, I did an idle Google yesterday, looking for things about straight women with bisexual boyfriends, and I got a load of sites back telling me that I'm going to get HIV and die. Thanks. I guess it's still a less-than-common thing to have a hot bi babe for a boyfriend (and to actually dig it). I was joking around with C on Monday night, saying how I should write to an advice columnist saying that I think my boyfriend might be gay. Ehehehe ;-)

We have yet to hear back from Bill & Ben, confirming the 25th *chews fingernails nervously*. God I hope they're still up for it. I want my first orgy, godammit ;-)