I'm fed up. Allow me a little vent.

I'm PMSy. I'm sick of being fat. I intended to go jogging yesterday evening, but in the afternoon I had a bout of pain that left me gasping for breath and struggling to stay upright at my desk; in the end I went and sat in the toilet for ten minutes while it passed. Even though the pain was gone by the time I got home from work, it had left me so physically wiped out that I could barely make dinner (and all I had to do was put some fish in the oven and heat up some beans). I set my alarm for 6am so I could go jogging this morning instead, but I was too tired and didn't go.

I'm now going to start carrying painkillers around with me every day, "just in case". This in itself is depressing.

I'm getting nervous about going into hospital. Even though my snip experience was perfectly fine, I'm dreading the moment I'm lying in the pre-op, counting down from 100 backwwards; the moment they put me to sleep; the moment I wake up again, all disorientated and full of tubes and feeling like I've been run over. And yes, I'm worrying about not waking up. I'm worrying about whether or not I should tell my mum about what's going on. My sister reckoned she has enough stress to worry about without knowing I have endo, but I don't like the idea of having a general anaesthetic without my parents knowing. They didn't know about my snip, and I was fretting about what would happen if I died on the table and they didn't even know I was in hospital. I think I need to tell my sister that my mum & dad need to know.

I'm worrying that I'm going to lose my job, because so far I've come across as being quite a "sickly" person (when I haven't been for so long). I know it's not legal for them to fire me for being ill, but still. I worry.

Yesterday I got mad at C for stupid reasons. It's just the PMS talking, but I feel bad. And I don't feel like sex, which I realise is going to happen sometimes, but the reason I don't feel like it is because at the moment, all I can remember is how much it hurts sometimes.

I have been reading and posting to an endo support forum but even that is depressing, because a lot of the women seem to be going through hell - having to give up working, being in constant pain etc. I don't want to end up like that. I suppose I'm lucky that I've been diagnosed, that I'm on the waiting list for treatment, and if the worst comes to the worst I can have all my giblets removed because I don't want kids (so many of the women are desperately trying for babies). I also feel like a bit of an outsider on that board because I'm not trying to conceive. There have been a few posts from women saying they don't want kids, which are answered by all the usual "You'll change your mind!" chimes, to which I've piped up about being young and sterilised and happy. I don't think that's made me popular.

Stupidly, I also began reading Michel Houellebecq's Whatever yesterday. If anyone is going to make you want to chuck yourself under a train, it's him. Miserable git.

On the upside, the shelves at home are going up. And I'm working on a new online shop at work, based on some PHP cart software, and it's looking mighty spiffy. So that's something.