Well, I didn't think it would be long before I wrote about it. C & I had a very long, open and honest chat last night, and one of the things he said was that he didn't mind if I wanted to write about it in my diary, since we're both anonymous here.

So, my weird weekend. It wasn't just one thing that made it weird, it was several - but one thing was probably more of a revelation than the others.

As you remember, I spent Thursday night over at KT's house, having a girlie night in. On Friday evening, after work, I met C at Euston station. He had a friend coming down from Scotland for the weekend, and we were there to meet him off the train at 7pm.

Now that I think about it, I realise that C was a bit preoccupied all evening. I put it down to his friend being around - a guy who is perfectly nice, but frankly dull and difficult to talk to. We both knew we were in for a slightly awkward weekend, but I was prepared to grin and bear it.

After C's friend (let's call him D) arrived, we took him to his hotel in Earl's Court, and then down to Ed's Diner on the King's Road for burgers & shakes. After that, we had a quick beer in a pub, and then sent D on his way back to his hotel around 10.30pm. I was really glad to finally have C all to myself, but at the same time I was feeling uneasy around him. I wasn't sure if it was the awkward silences of the evening, or the fact that it was raining and freezing cold, or what.

We arrived home, and got ready for bed. I was ready first, and waited for C to finish up in the bathroom. The first thing I thought weird was that he left his underwear on. I was lying in bed already. He got on to the bed, put his pillows up against the bedhead, sat up, and said, "I have something to tell you".

My immediate thoughts were ones of doom - that he was going to tell me he was leaving or something. But the expression on his face didn't tell me that that was what he was about to say, so I said, "OK...".

He said (and I'm not quoting this verbatim, just as much as I can remember), "Last night, I went to Sainsbury's (local supermarket) for some bread and milk, and I got propositioned by someone".

I immediately perked up, thinking he was going to tell me he'd been chatted up, so I asked him who the propositioner was.

"By a girl..."

I admit I felt a bit crestfallen, but didn't really mind.

"...and we came back here..."

I felt my insides tighten.

"...and we fucked..."

My stomach went into my knees.

"...and I paid her money."

My bowels felt like they'd turned to ice water.

From this point onwards, I don't remember a huge amount about the conversation. It became surreal. I didn't get angry, though, not after all our conversations about sleeping with other people.

I have been thinking it over a lot during the weekend. It's been hard, mainly because of D's presence, and then the little debacle with Jerry yesterday. But yesterday evening we finally managed to talk, just the two of us, and my feelings are much clearer.

At first, I was more surprised than anything else. I was very curious as to what had actually happened. Basically, it was all happenstance. C went to Sainsbury's, and while he was in there a woman started making small talk with him. After a few minutes, she asked him if he was "looking for business". He was taken aback, and initially said he wasn't interested, but she offered him sex for "fifteen or twenty quid". C decided to go for it because he just happened to have the flat to himself that night.

So they came back to the flat, they had a brief and perfunctory (safe) fuck, he gave her �20, and she left. He didn't find her attractive, and he said it wasn't particularly satisfying, but he enjoyed it because of the whole "taboo" aspect of it. He's also been very keen to experience casual sex, and he'd been worried that he wouldn't be able to "perform" with a stranger, so when he was offered the chance, he took it. And to be honest I don't blame him.

It was very strange to be lying in bed while my boyfriend was telling me that the night before, another woman had been lying there while he fucked her. He hadn't changed the sheets, which is the one thing I was annoyed about, but otherwise I felt curiously OK with it all. However, I found myself not being able to snuggle up to him in bed like I usually do, and at that point I didn't want to kiss or have sex with him.

At this point you're either wondering if we're still together, or why the hell we're still together. I realise that this is probably a dumping offence for most people. I also realise that a lot of folks are going to think I'm a pathetic sap for being OK with what he did. What can I say? I'm not a pathetic sap. It also took me a while to be totally "OK" with what he did, but I like to think I can see the bigger picture.

Anyway. I spent all weekend thinking about it. I don't really know how to lay out what I think about it now, other than as points...

When C & I were discussing potential "rules" for sleeping with other people, one of the things I asked for was that I would be told what would be happening, when, where & with whom. Obviously, I didn't find out about this until after the event, but I've accepted that that was probably for the best. To be honest, I don't think I would have wanted to know what he was about to do - it would have freaked me out. I also appreciate that he waited until we were at home and alone before he told me (it must have been hard for him to wait all day and evening).

I'm not jealous of the "other woman". I think the fact that she was a prostitute has helped, because I know it was someone whom C didn't find attractive and won't ever see again. I also now feel more secure about him sleeping with other people. I had no idea how I was going to react when it finally happened; now it has and I'm still here & sane.

I actually find the idea of him fucking someone else quite a turn-on, despite having no idea what she looked like (he can't really remember what her face was like, just that she was unhealthily skinny and had cool, papery skin).

The main problem I've had with this whole thing is me. C is now feeling very confident about himself and wants us to embark on a series of sexual adventures. All this would be great if I had as much libido as I did a few months ago. Right now I'm feeling betrayed by my body, with the endometriosis giving me pain, and the fact that I'm pre-menstrual and not feeling very sexy. I'm also down how I look, annoyed with myself for not keeping up the exercise routine and good eating. When I met C, I had bags of confidence, I was a happy carefree single girl who felt "empowered" and good about herself. Now, in addition to my health issues and the fact that sex occasionally causes me pain, I'm having big issues with my sexual identity.

Last night, after much talking, I worked around to realising that I'm jealous of his experience, and I'm frustrated with female sexuality. I don't enjoy my sexuality as much as I used to, not since I've been with C and opened my mind to different avenues.

One thing I'm jealous of is that he's paid for sex, something I've wanted to do for a long time. But, if I had the opportunity to pay for sex, I'm not sure what I could do with a pro/escort that I would enjoy. What I would want to do is what a man usually does with a prostitute - fuck her and get himself off. But I physcially can't do that. I could fuck a guy, but that wouldn't get me off because I don't get any physcial stimulation from it. I could have the guy fuck me, and I might get off on it if he knew what he was doing, but then he'd be getting pleasure, and - think of this what you will - I wouldn't want that to happen because I wouldn't want someone I was paying to get off on what they were doing. I'm not considering recieving oral - for some reason I wouldn't want to have oral sex from a pro because it wouldn't be about actively using their body, which I've paid for. In that case, says C, why don't you just hire a guy, use him as a dildo and don't let him get off? My thought is in that case, why bother with spending the money on a person, and just use a dildo instead? I don't know where my thoughts are going with this; I just know that I want to pay for sex, and I want it to be as close as the "male experience" as possible. I want to buy someone's body and use them for sex, but I also want to get off from it.

Back before I met C, I was completely happy to have casual sex with a guy, just have them fuck me and I'd enjoy it. But now that I've had my eyes opened to what it's like to fuck someone - to be the "active partner" in a shag - I want both. I want to both fuck and get off. But at the moment I can't. C suggested that I talk to other strap-on users and find out what they do to make themselves get off on it. I think I'll do that (there's also a book I want to buy, The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex), and I'm sure Sh! have double dildos and dildo attachments that might do the trick. But still, I can't help thinking I'll be disappointed because nothing will ever give me an idea of what it feels like to stick your cock in someone. In that way, I'm scared of trying new things because I worry that they'll leave me more frustrated than I am now (if that's even possible!).

OK, this has wandered very far from the original subject, and has become all about me & my own hang-ups. I'm actually glad that C did what he did on Thursday, because it means that we've got over a few hurdles - he knows that he can "do it" with a stranger; I know what it's like to know my boyfriend has slept with someone else; we both know that we can be totally honest with each other without there being huge screamy repercussions.

The way we stand now is that I'm busy trying to come to terms with the hang-ups this has brought out in me; I realise that I have issues with my self-confidence (not necessarily exacerbated by what happened, but more brought to the surface, where I should be dealing with them) and I'm having trouble feeling good about being female. I'm also very keen to "level the playing field", and do something similar to what he did. Unfortunately, the fact that I'm not likely to have the flat to myself any time, my lack of self-confidence, and lack of cash to pay for an escort (since it's not likely any guy will offer me passive sex in Sainsbury's for �20), mean that it's not going to happen. Which I'm a bit down about.

My god, that feels better.

No doubt I will write more about this later. There's still a lot circling in my head.