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[May 07, 2003 - 12:58 p.m.]
Ho ho ho

Hello.

I am in a really really good mood today. Not that I was particularly down yesterday, just preoccupied.

Yesterday I finally spent the �46 Amazon.co.uk gift voucher I was given when I left my old job. I've ordered a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Strap-on Sex, Sex Tips from a Dominatrix and Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple; I also got the most recent Chili Peppers album, and Justified by Justin Timberlake.

All that cost me �1.10. Nice.

Yesterday I also took C's advice and posted to a couple of newgroups regarding strap-on sex. I got a reply from none other than Janet Hardy herself (a.k.a. Catherine A. Lizt, or Lady Green). Call me a sycophant, but I think she's the greatest ;-)

I think I'm in a bouyant mood because my PMS is lifting. My period is due today (no sign yet). That also makes me happy because, while I know there's pain coming, it also means I can allow myself a chocolate bar in the next few days (having my period is about the only decent excuse I can think of to have it :-/ ).

This morning, for the first time in ages, I bothered to put makeup on for work. I don't usually. So I think I look half-decent for a change, rather than the spotty munter I usually am. However, I caught a full-length glimpse of myself in a shop window while walking to the tube, and I don't seem to have a waist any more. Not that I ever had a really defined waist - but now I have a monster gut, starting just under my breasts and ending level with my hipbones. If I stand straight and suck my belly in, I look OKish - but most of the time I slouch and look awful. Maybe I'm bloated. Maybe I'm just fat. Maybe I need to give up wheat (my sister swears by that). Maybe I just need to give up eating.

Meh. And just as I was feeling good about myself, too.

I was thinking yesterday, aligned with my thoughts of how I don't really enjoy female sexuality, that I'm not enjoying my body as much as I used to. I used to love having breasts, but at the moment I usually just feel ambivalent towards them. When C tells me how he'd love to have my body, I wonder why - I reckon a cock is a vastly better thing to have than tits. At least you can do things with a cock - my breasts are just there They're not particularly sensitive. They look nice, sure, but you can't do much with them.

Maybe I should re-iterate. I don't hate having them. I wouldn't get rid of them. I just don't think that having breasts is all some people crack it up to be. Plus bras when you're a 34E are bloody expensive (and I need a couple more right now *sigh*).

However, it has to be said that last night we had a great fuck, sexual hang-ups or not. I was just drifting off to sleep when I started thinking about C fucking that prostitute, and I couldn't stop myself from leaping on him and we had a superior shag (and not too much pain, yay!).

Janet Hardy, in her reply to my usenet post asking how I can make strap-on sex seem more "real", asked if I've considered wearing men's underwear to "increase my feeling of maleness". My first thought was, don't be silly, dressing as a guy doesn't make me feel sexy. But having considered it more, I realise that I don't have to be a "girl" all the time, and I also don't have to be a "guy" all the time. I've worn C's underwear as a joke a few times, even sticking a sock down the front to see what they look like, and I've considered buying a packy as well (never seen one for sale, though - Sh! don't have them). But I've always thought how daft I'd look - an obviously female female with huge jugs and a big butt, wearing a packy. Incongruous. But... Ms Hardy has a point. If I want to feel like I'm really sticking my cock in someone, then I have to get into a "male headspace". I'm still not sure if I want to feel like a man, though - when I'm fucking C, I don't feel like a man, I feel like a woman who was born missing a penis. Does that actually make sense?

(Of course it doesn't, but then few things in life do).

On Saturday night, though. I'm going to be dressing girly. I want to look attractive and sexy - but maybe not too sexy, because I don't want to outshine C, and just in case we're not interested in these guys after all. We're meeting them in a gay pub in Soho. For some reason, it just feels more appropriate to go into a pub full of camp guys with loads of cleavage on show, and makeup on. I have no idea if they'll be "expecting" anything to happen on the night - but in any case it probably won't, because I'll have my period. Telling them that might be awkward, though, because I know how squeamish gay guys can be about such things as periods (when I was in Amsterdam the first time, the gay guy I hung out with told me he'd never share a bathroom with a female housemate for just that reason).

As for the Incident With The Prostitute... I'm completely fine with it now. I actually find it funny. I think I'm perfectly entitled to make digs at C for having the class to go with a �20 hooker. When I was throwing away some rubbish the other night, I found the receipt for his purchases in Sainsbury's that night. I half-expected the reciept to say "Milk �0.78 ... Bread �1.09 ... Ho �20.00".

Actually, his receipt stated that he'd got �30 cashback, presumably so he had some money to pay her. Hehe.

All I need to do now is live out my own fantasy of paying someone.

Miss anything?

Sluttery [August 16, 2003]
Apologies... [July 30, 2003]
Up and down [July 27, 2003]
Poly/bi meet thingy [July 26, 2003]
Office scandal [July 23, 2003]

Design by my own fair hand. Bettie Page picture � Olivia.