Well, the interview went OK. I don't want to jinx myself, but I thought it was fairly promising. The major downside is, however, that I won't know if I've got a second interview until the end of next week at least, so if I'm going to get any employment from this it won't be for at least a month.

I have resigned myself to spending my �1000 savings to get by. It's not as if I was saving it for anything in particular � I already own a home, I don't need a car, I'm not a holiday person. That money was for a rainy day, and a rainy day it is.

What worries me more is the idea of being at home all day for the next few weeks. Obviously, I'll keep applying for jobs, but it's going to be a while before I get anything. I'm considering phoning up Office Angels to see if they can get me some word processing work or something. Anything to get me out of the house. I have no idea how house-spouses and stay-at-home-parents do it. Now I see why women get post-natal depression � if I was stuck at home all day with only a screaming baby and Kilroy for company, I'd probably need Prozac too.

Before he left for work this morning, C ordered me to get out of the house today. It's nearly 10.30am and I'm still in my dressing gown. There aren't any interesting jobs on Jobserve to apply for. I feel like I've lost a big part of my identity, because I've always defined myself by what I do for a living (rightly or wrongly).

Of course, it was me who walked out of the job. I could have stayed. I have no-one to blame but myself.

C is being unrelentingly positive, however, I suppose I should be too. "It's only money" etc etc.

I have stuff to do. I have to phone Direct Line insurance and make sure they're processing my vet bill claim (that �400 sure would come in handy right now!!). I also really need to phone a legal-type-person and get some sort of cohabitation agreement drawn up (or at least find out how much it would cost).

I think too much. Last night I didn't get to sleep until after 3.30am, and I woke up at 7am with C. A lot of stuff was going on in my head. This morning I wrote the following and posted it to a TransGender mailing list I'm a member of.

I've just had a difficult night and morning, in which my thoughts and confusions about my own gender were rampant in my head. If you don't mind, I'd like to write it down and see if anyone can relate. I imagine that many people reading this list have had similar issues.

I am a woman, and I am attracted to men. I suppose that makes me a straight woman, although as I get older, the less I identify with other straight women. I usually describe myself as "straightish", however, because my orientation is more towards bisexual (or gay) men, as a crucial part of my sexuality is the need to penetrate men.

What led me to join this list was an invitation by Mistress Within in response to a question I asked on uk.people.bdsm about making my experience of fucking with a strap-on more "real". I don't think I'm TG, because I don't *think* I want to be a man (although that's probably open to debate). But at the same time, I'm experiencing a lot of disappointment with my gender, and feelings of isolation and frustration.

One of the major problems I have is extreme jealousy of my (male) partner. I am jealous of his penis, and the fact that when he fucks, he really feels it. I'm grateful to him for understanding my need to fuck him, but at the same time the act frustrates me because I know I'll never experience it in the way he does.

At the same time, I find very little to be positive about my female body. I do not want many of the things straight women are "supposed" to want � I do not want to get married, and find idea of taking on the very gender-specific title of "wife" offensive; I do not want children (and I have been sterilised to make sure I never have them). I also find the pleasure I gain from my female body to be unsatisfying,leaving something "wanting". I have a very obviously feminine body (very curvy), and I used to take a lot of pleasure from flaunting it, but in the last few months I've wanted to cover it up instead.

When I was around 19-20, I used to look up information about transmen on the Internet, and found their stories fascinating. Over the last few years, I've fluctuated from being very very happy as a woman; to having mild envy of my sex partners' penises; to being totally disillusioned with my female body. When I met my current boyfriend a year ago, we very quickly "came out" to each other as bisexual (him) and someone who needs to fuck men (myself). He is the first and only person I've had the confidence to use a strap-on with, and I'm very happy to have met him; but at the same time I wish I had never started using the strap-on, because it makes me feel like I am missing out even more than I did before. It's as if, now I've had a taste of what it might like to have a penis, I want it *all*.

I have had it suggested to me that I'm actually a lesbian, but don't realise it. I don't quite understand why people would think that, as I'm not sexually responsive to women. I think people only suggest that because I have this innate need to fuck people; however, in my world, men are just as "fuckable" as women! I enjoy the company of women, but I am not sexually attracted to them. I suppose that I also couldn't fathom the idea of sex without the presence of a penis.

Last night my boyfriend & I were talking about an upcoming date we have with a MM couple (a gay man and his bisexual partner). I'm looking forward to the date, and I like this couple a lot (and find them both extremely attractive!), but I'm again jealous of the fact that my boyfriend has the whole gay male "world" open to him. We have talked about gay bath-houses (etc), and while he doesn't want to do things like that, I'm *extremely* envious of the fact that he has those things open to him if he wanted them. I want to go to a bath-house and pick up a passive male to fuck! Again, my boyfriend suggested that I seek out a similar "cruising" spot for lesbians, but that doesn't appeal because I'm orientated towards men, not women. As much as I have tried to look at women and fancy them, I just don't. Plus a lesbian "lifestyle" appeals as little to me as a straight woman's "lifestyle" does.

Well, if you have read this far, thankyou! I don't really know where to go from here. I'm not sure really how to proceed. I don't have an issue with my orientation, but while I am, to all intents and purposes, a straight woman, I dislike using the term (I usually tell people apologetically that I'm "boringly straight") because to me "straight woman" throws up so many stereotypes I don't identify with (sexually passive, a wife/mother etc).

I also don't think I'm truly transgender, because I veer quite wildly from being pretty happy with my female body (for example I like the way my breasts look), to being deeply unhappy with it and the way it functions. Plus, I don't desire to look like a man, and F2M transgender surgery is so rudimentary that I wouldn't end up with the one thing I really want � a functioning penis. And I doubt any doctor would agree to only giving me a penis, while I kept my female appearance.

Anyway� That was quite cathartic for me. Thank you for reading.

Whoo boy. I am a confused person, that's for sure.