I finally received my copy of The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex yesterday. It's enlightening. I feel less like a freak now, especially after reading it, and a little conversation on this TG email list I subscribe to.

OK, I could write loads but I don't have the time at the moment, and my mind is on other things. But I suppose the crux of it is that I guess I'm beginning to realise that I can carry on wearing men's underwear, and fuck my boyfriend with a strap-on, and go to the gym and ask for help in getting Big; all while still being a straight woman. I think I'll stop reading Cosmo-esque publications, they just make me feel like a freak because I'm a late-20s woman who isn't wibbling in front of bridal shop windows. Hah, a new breed - the straight female TV. Straight men have been doing it for years. I am going to try & to pluck up the courage to pack in public.

Still no job. But it's the Bank Holiday weekend, so not surprising really.

Last night C & I watched the Eurovision Song Contest and ate quiche. No comment on how gay that is.

I am getting increasingly nervous about tonight, even though C tells me I have nothing to be nervous about. He's the one who should be nervous - he's the one who has to perform, and do things he hasn't done before (well, I haven't been naked in the presence of 3 men before, so this is new for me too!).

I'm scared that they'll think I'm fat. I have given myself a subtle self-tan, in the belief that wobbly flesh looks better tanned than winter-white. I have no idea what to wear. I'm worried that I'll take my kit off and have sock marks (for pete's sake, talk about paranoid!!). Yarg.

I don't have anything realistically to worry about. I just have to keep reminding myself to relax and enjoy myself. Funny thing is, I think I'd be a lot less nervous if I was doing this by myself, rather than with my boyfriend. Heh.

Wish me luck :-S