To expand on the previous entry...

I don't think it's about the relationship, really. I'm (again) pissed off at the total lack of decent friends in my life.

Take KT. She's supposed to be my best female friend (even if I'm not hers). Last night at about 6.15pm I called her mobile and left a message on her voicemail asking if she was still in town (she usually is at that time on a Friday), and if she was, did she fancy a drink? And if not, give me a call or drop me a text because it was ages since I'd heard from her and I wanted to know how she was.

As of lunchtime today, I have heard nothing.

This isn't unusual; several times in the last year or so she's taken days to reply to any of my voicemails or text messages, usually claiming her mobile was out of range and she couldn't reply, or that she didn't get the text until a day after I sent it. Once, she accidentally managed to get her stories mixed up, and gave me an excuse for missing a meet-up that so completely didn't make any sense or tally, that I knew she'd been delibarately avoiding seeing me.

Of course, I am stupid enough to forgive her every time I pin her down, and I treat every time I see her with the same gratitude as a starving puppy greets a milk bone.

Last time I saw her (a few weeks ago) I told her specifically that I didn't see her enough, that I loved seeing her and I love her as my best friend; and could we make an effort to see each other more often? She said yes, we had a great evening, I thought everything was going to get better.

Has it? Of course not. My emails still get answered days after I send them, my voicemails get ignored, text messages from her are sporadic at best. She always apologises and says she's busy with work, her friends, and G (her boyfriend, who is semi-long distance and who she only sees once a week), but still - I'd like to have the same priority as her friends. Am I not one of them??

C pointed out to me that ever since he's known me, KT & my relationship has been like this. I wish I knew what the problem is. Every time we go out, we have such a good time (or I tink we do). If she doesn't enjoy my company, why won't she tell me? Am I boring? Do I smell? She only ever seems to contact me when she's got a boyfriend or sex related problem, and when she invites me to events it's always at the last minute, because someone pulled out and she had a spare ticket or something.

I feel like bottom of the pile. I don't think I deserve to be. When it comes to my friends, she's top of the pile. I always think of her first when I'm thinking of people to hang out with.

So that's mostly what I'm down about today.

I'm trying to find new friends, but in this city it's not easy. Yeah, the guys at work are cool, but the only ones who really socialise are the business guys, and I don't get on with them as well as the programmers. Actually, I'm not getting on so well with one of the other programmers at the moment, but that's another story (he keeps making snide comments about the fact that I leave work at 6-6.15pm, while most people leave at 6.30-7. Bastard).

Bah. Why is it so hard?? I griped to The Colleague about this on Monday, and he told me the best way to make friends is to "go to lots of parties". Heh. If I had friends they'd invite me to parties. C & I go out every weekend, but meeting mates in pubs/nightclubs is nigh on impossible.

Of course, no-one is going to want to be my friend if I exude an air of "desperate to have friends". Heh, maybe that's why KT is avoiding me.

OK, that's enough. It feels good to get it out, but I'm whining now. I'm really not that much of a miserable cow.... honest! :-)