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[July 27, 2003 - 11:14 a.m.]
Up and down

So I succumbed to the lure and started a LiveJournal. Mostly so I can join the drunkbisexuals & mates community, but I can see myself posting more and more in there ather than here. Mostly because I can access LJ from work, but not DLand (the reason for that is still a mystery).

Yesterday I was really happy and bouncy after Friday night, but by the afternoon my sunny mood had been replaced by totally unexplainable tears. I think I am sliding back into depression. And this time I can't blame it on the pill. I sobbed into C's chest for about 10 minutes, apologising all the time for being such a pathetic girlfriend.

Afterwards, he took me to Caffe Nero and bought me coffee and passion cake, and I cheered up. Last night we got drunk, watched a rented DVD and ate popcorn. Snogged on the sofa and then had filthy sex. "Reconnected", if you will.

I feel even, mood-wise, now. But I'm still worried.

One of the things that set me off yesterday is BiCon. C really wants to go. All the people there on Friday night have said we simply have to go, because it's "life changing". If we want to go, we have to book by August 1st, and I will have to get Friday 22nd August off work (at short notice).

When I realised yesterday that we're most likely going to be going, I became terrified, and I think that's what set me off.

I am VERY nervous about going to BiCon. I realise that straight people are welcome (the only requiement is that you're accepting of all sexualities), and that if I go, I will end up having a good time, but I'm still scared witless. Well, less scared now than I was yesterday.

C really wants to go, and it will be good for him. And if we're going to hang out with this group, going to BiCon will be beneficial because they'll all be there and it'll be a great opportunity to get to know them.

But, I'm still scared. For no discernible reason. I suppose it's because I sorta-kinda feel like I won't fit in, that as a straight person it'll be assumed I'm boring or prejudiced (nonsense, I know, because I'm not).

Paranoia, really.

I think the paranoia and the depressive moments, my intense feelings of insecurity and my extreme high-strung-ness are all interlinked.

Ah, to be the laid-back single I was 18 months ago! But time marches onwards, and I should bend to it.

In a while, when we finally get dressed, we are going to the Urban Games. I hope it doesn't rain :-/

(Vert skating! Wheeeee!)

I am going to email Ben this week and ask if he wants to go for coffee or a drink; eiher just the two of us or both him & Bill. I feel an intense need to socialise with them otside the sack.

Miss anything?

Sluttery [August 16, 2003]
Apologies... [July 30, 2003]
Up and down [July 27, 2003]
Poly/bi meet thingy [July 26, 2003]
Office scandal [July 23, 2003]

Design by my own fair hand. Bettie Page picture Olivia.