I used to get depressed every year around Christmas. The prospect of being forced "home" to my parents' place for a few days, and the inevitable tensions and arguments that would follow, would lead me to dread this time of year.

I thought this year would be different, because my parents and sister appeared to have mellowed out a bit, and because I'm being "allowed" to spend Christmas day at my own home. But NO! How wrong I was!

For the last few days, I have been miserable. (And off my nookie). A combination of work stress, family stress (and guilt) and other random shit has made me feel like crap for the last few days.

Come on. Only 9 days and it's all over for another year. I have to keep the proverbial chin up and the rictus grin on my face until it's all over.

Getting home last night made it worse. I'd received a Christmas card from my half-brother and his wife. Very sweet. Only...

Well, it seems my mum has been running round all the relatives, telling them to no longer address my Christmas cards to me. I'm now one-half of the two-headed beast known as "Laura&C".

Now, I can interpret this in two ways. 1) It's very sweet that he's being "accepted" into the family. 2) They're making a really big deal out of me having a boyfriend, since I was so "tragically" single for "so long" (er, 9 months?) and they really really want this one to "work" this time, so they're going OTT in a misguided attempt to make him feel part of our dysfunctional little clan.

The big money's on the latter. Actually, both 1 and 2 are the same, it's just that 2 has my family's particular little psychotic flavour to it.

I tell you: this, and my mum's completely incessant chirps of "Shall I buy a hat? Shall I buy a hat? He's such a nice boy! Shall I buy a hat?" are enough for me to never ever tell her about any future relationships. Of course, if C and I split up, even amicably, she'll go into mourning and tell me how she doesn't know what to do with me because I'm obviously so bad at relationships.

She even sent me a sympathy card wen my ex and I split up, even though I told her it was totally amicable and we were still friends. A sympathy card!!

I really don't know what to do. If I tell her that I'm still my own person, and that I'm not really comfortable being one-half of "Laura&C" when we've only been together 6 months and don't even share a home, she'll get upset. If I tell her we're doing great but don't want to get married, she'll get upset. If I stop telling her about how our relationship is going, she'll get upset. If I just play along with her little game, I'll get upset, she'll suss me out, and then she'll get upset. And then my dad will yell at me for 'upsetting my mother'.

I can't win!!

Of course, she's upset anyway because I didn't go to her 'friends & neighbours' party on Sunday. She only wanted me to go so I could hand out drinks and take coats, but I was feeling so miserable on Sunday that I couldn't face it. I didn't want to depress her guests, and I certainly didn't need her running after me asking about millinery. When I phoned her and told her I couldn't make it, she moaned and mock-wailed and cried "But we wanted to seeeeee you at Christmas!". Never mind that she's seeing me on Christmas Eve. I calmly reminded her I was coming down on Christmas Eve, and she stopped her wailing for a moment (I'd rumbled her little guilt-inducing ploy, damn!), then started up again, saying how it "wasn't the saaaaame!". Dog help me. So I started feeling guilty, as she intended, and I've felt guilty ever since.

Parents. They're so good at making you feel like crap, aren't they?

I love her, I really do. She's my mum. We just have a... different view of the world. Oddly, she never used to encourage me to have boyfriends when I was younger. When I went through a period of depression in my early twenties and revealed to her (which was very hard for me) that I felt I'd missed out on my teenage years, having boyfriends, going out etc; she slammed me for wanting boyfriends ("Why? So you could have SEX???"). But now, she's almost manic in her determination for me to find "someone" to marry and upon whose salary to live, since she has a pretty old-fashioned view of relationships (man works, woman stays at home). She doesn't seem to view my career and property-owning as anything more than "temporary phases".

She also seems to have "given up" on my sister, in this regard. My sister doesn't get anything like the crap I get. She did, at one time, when she had her last boyfriend. Funnily enough, he received the same OTT "welcoming" treatment C is getting, and my sister was so mortified by it that I think it's a big factor in her swearing off relationships for the last 7 years.

Good grief, I hope my mother doesn't wind up pushing me over the edge like that. Scary thought.

I need to resume communications with my sister. Maybe she'll be sympathetic.

Urgh.

Families.