This morning

So I spent yesterday evening, and last night, and this morning making one of the hardest decisions of my life. And I'm still not sure if I've made it.

You see, the porno job was great. The company was nice, small and non-sleazy. The head guy (a fairly well-known photographer) was really nice, and would like me to come on board because he really wants a female perspective. The job involves not only doing web things (like revamping their site and encoding short movies), but also offers the chance to do creative things - attending photo shoots and filming locations; using some of their "spare domains" for my own ideas; possibly travelling abroad to attend location shoots in the future etc etc. A really really diverse and interesting job.

The downside, however - and it's a big downside - I'd have to take a paycut. A major paycut. A paycut to the tune of 10k. After sitting down with my bank statements last night, the conclusion is that I'll be able to pay all my critical bills and feed myself and Jerry, but nothing more. No holidays, no (expensive) clothes, no gym membership, no contact lenses (yikes! I'll be speccy!), no pension contributions, no savings.

My first thought, when the pay was mentioned, was "Oh well, I can't take this job, never mind". But then I told myself not to be so defeatist. After doing my sums, I know that if I made sure I counted every single penny so I wouldn't starve. And if a disaster were to happen, I have �2000 left over from my bonus, a credit card (of my own!) on the way and a decent chunk of equity in my property.

But still, the thought of taking this job scares me. The thought of becoming someone on a low income gives me the heebie-jeebies. Especially when I've become so used to living relatively comfortably, the thought of not being able to go out of a whim buy CDs as I fancy them gives me the shivers. I'm a nice, well brought-up, privately educated, middle-class girl! I shouldn't be working in porno, let alone working in porno and being paid peanuts!!

But seriously...

I hate IT. I've been saying for ages that I need to get out of IT and start following my heart, and I realised then that I'd probably have to take a huge pay cut and "start again" from the bottom somewhere else. Now that I actually have the opportunity staring me right in the face, I'm scared. Yeah, scared. Scared of being poor! Pathetic, isn't it?

I'm not the only person who's done this... I have a friend who's going back to college this September to train as a teacher, and will be dirt poor for at least a year. But she doesn't have a mortgage and a cat. Ho hum. Damn apartment. I love you, I really do, but what the fuck was I thinking when I bought you? I was thinking that I'd stay in IT forever and grow fabulously rich, that's what. Now I'm looking at the prospect of being on �14k a year with a �78k mortgage. O-u-c-h. The bank would flip if they found out. The bank would probably repossess my home on principle if they found out!

Oh god. And my parents. They'd flip too. I'd have to tell them that I was earning less, at the very least, otherwise they'd start wondering why I'm no longer lavishing them with expensive things at Christmas and get the idea that I don't love them any more (in my family, the more you love someone, the more you spend on them). I couldn't tell them I was working in porn, though. I'd be disinherited!

This lunchtime

Well, I just phoned them to clarify a few details (holiday allowance, any other benefits etc). Apparently, they have 3 other candidates for interview, but they're waiting to hear from me before they interview them!! Eeek!!!

In addition to the basic salary, they also have bonuses and increments according to your productivity. Basically, the more money you bring in, the more you get. Apparently one of their guys got an extra �4000 last year in bonuses. So there's that to consider...

I'm going to phone them back this afternoon to let them know.

Man, I can't wait to see the look on Cunty Boss's face if I hand in my notice. I should bring a camera: "I'm resigning" *click*. Mwahahaha!

That is, of course, if I take the job. I think I know the answer to that question, though.

I shall update again later on..........