I was off work sick yesterday. Do you remember back in January, when I was off work for a day after suffering mysterious abdominal pains, which a GP later diagnosed as indigestion? Well, I've been feeling similar pains (around the lower right-hand side of my abdomen, and occasionally the left) on and off since then.

When I left work at 6.15pm on Monday, I was feeling a twinge in that area. By the time I'd got to Clapham Junction, and was walking home, I was in quite a lot of pain. I got home, put on C's dressing gown, and relaxed on the sofa. C got home a little while later, and I was in quite a lot of pain by then - by 9pm I was in agony. I could barely focus on what I was saying. So I called my GP's surgery (which was closed) and got a number for an emergency GP service from their answerphone.

By 10.15pm, C and I were in a taxi, heading for a little hospital near Wandsworth common, for an out-of-hours GP appointment. I saw a lovely Jamaican doctor called Dr Benjamin, who poked and prodded me, and took a urine sample. He told me I had protein in my urine, indicating that there was something wrong with my kidneys. I - naturally - burst in to tears as he told me I had to go to the Accident & Emergency department at the Chelsea & Westminster hospital right away. He phoned them and told them to have a surgeon waiting for me. Yep, I was shit scared.

So, C & I got into another taxi and went up to the C&W. I was seen within 20 minutes by a surgeon, who poked and prodded me again, took my blood and sent me for an x-ray. They suspected that I either had appendicitis, or kidney stones. After a couple of hours, the test results came back, and showed neither.

After a bit of chatting with the surgeon, it was decided that I either had 1) something wrong with me gynaecologically; 2) had a 'grumbling' appendix that's on it's way out; or 3) something wrong with my bowel. 1) is the most likely, since my sister and mum have both had hysterectomies for endometriosis. If it is, then what's happening is that I probably have adhesions around my appendix. 2) can only be determined if they take my appendix out (or wait and see if I develop appendicitis).

The surgeon gave me two options - stay in overnight and be observed to see if I got any worse, or take some pain relief, go home and contact my GP in the morning. I chose the latter, and C & I got home from the hospital around 3am.

The surgeon gave me a letter to take to my GP, and I'm going to be referred to a gynae at the C&W - most likely Mr Stafford, the doctor who performed my tubal 2 years ago.

To be honest, I think it's endometriosis. I've always half-expected to get it, since both my mum & sister developed it in their mid-20s. My sister had a total hysterectomy when she was 27. I'm 26. my last couple of periods have been bad, with the last one leaving my virtually incapacitated at one point.

And I'm scared. Whatever this is, it's not going to be solved quickly. My GP will probably want me to go back on the pill, which I don't want to do - it made me miserable, destroyed my libido and gave me cystitis several times a year. The gyn will probably want to give my a laporoscopy, and that means more surgery (I had one when I was 15, and what with my tubal, my belly has been operated on enough!). And, of course, this all means taking time off work for appointments etc, and I've only just started in this job, and it doesn't exactly give a good impression.

*sigh*

I am really worried. If I have to go back on the pill, I can kiss goodbye to my libido and my fairly even moods. 6 different formulations over 8 years left me depressed, psychotic and constantly on antibiotics for repeated UTIs. Alternatively, I can suffer mountains of pain, and not want to have sex anyway because it hurts too much (how I feel at the moment). Which would leave me depressed. stuck between a rock and hard place, anyone?

So right now, I'm trying to catch up with my work, my stomach is aching dully (after 2 max strength paracetamol & codeine pills), and I have to take the morning off tomorrow to go see my GP. And I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I don't even have my period yet - it's not due until the 14th, and I'm frankly scared of how painful it's going to be.

Last night I talked to my sister for the first time in ages. She's been there, she knows what it was like. She (and I) was hoping that I'd missed out on the "family curse", but it seems not. She's asked me not to tell mum, because she's depressed enough about her own health and we don't want to give her more worry. My sister works for a health insurer, so knows loads about medical conditions (and naturally, she's an expert on endometriosis). We were talking about how this is one of the big reasons we won't be having kids - passing this crap onto a female kid would be too cruel.

So. It's really a case of wait & see. None of this will be sorted out in the short-term, and in the meantime I just have to grit my teeth, keep taking the painkillers, and try not to dwell too much on what sort of treatment I might need. I'm going to try and avoid the pill at all costs, though - I absolutely do not want to go back on it.

Meanwhile, the porn business is still fun. When I can make it into the office.