I am posting this for posterity. I wrote it earlier today, before C & I had a long, two-hour walk home from the West End and talked and hashed everything out.

"It" is not resolved. "It" is me, "it" is my issues. I over-analyse everything, I am fucked up. I probably need therapy (how USAsian).

But here it is for posterity. I still feel this way - sorta - but I just don't feel as bad.

[Earlier]

Oh man. It's hormones, or a lack of sleep, or both. I am doing the "I'm not happy with who I am" dance. I'm doing the "I wish I was single" thing. I hope to god I grow up soon and get over all this.

C said last night that he's worried that we're pulling in different directions, that we want different things. He's worried that I'll be disappointed if he turns around at some point in the future and says he's not interested in men any more. And I admit, I would be.

I suppose I am trying to paint him too much with the brush I used to paint my "ideal man" with. But everyone does that to a certain extent, don't they? I suppose I'm hoping that he'll be like my fantasy gay ex-boyfriend, and I can be the swingin' single spinter I always wanted to be (and still want to be, kinda-sorta). But he's not, because he's a real person and not some prop in my life, or passport to the world I want to be in.

C was down last night because K, the girl he was supposed to be meeting on Saturday, cancelled at the last minute. We also had a minor spat on Saturday. We had been out in Soho at the festival, and had come home around 8pm because we were drunk and horny. The plan was to fuck, eat dinner, get dressed in something more "clubby" and then go out again. I wanted to go to G-A-Y, and I thought C wanted to, too.

After we'd fooled around, we both started to sober up. C went on the computer to do his usual round of checking emails, LiveJournaling, looking at the personals sites to see if anyone new had posted an ad. And I got upset because it felt as if he'd leapt out of bed with me and was ignoring me in favour of other people. Yes, jealousy. So I told him, but first I let myself stew for an hour (stupid of me) and then when I told him I let myself get upset.

But we sorted it out. I apologised, he apologised, we made up. And we didn't go out later on, we stayed in. I didn't feel like going out, seeing as we'd sobered up and we were feeling emotionally delicate - but I was still disappointed at another Saturday night in front of the TV.

Last night, after we'd put the light out, C wanted to talk about how disappointed he was feeling about not meeting K, and how let down he felt. I felt bummed, because I know he was looking forward to meeting her, and I wanted them to meet.

Again we had the talk about not fitting in. It brought up my not-resolved issues about myself (you know the ones). We ended up talking until very late, and then I couldn't get to sleep until well after 2am, even with the aid of two herbal Nytol and a wank. Up at 6.30am, hence very tired and emotional today.

I don't have sufficient clarity of thought, or the time, to go into them right now, but the issues are: That we don't feel we "fit in" to any type of scene, and therefore we feel adrift, we don't have a circle of friends. We would like a circle of friends so that we know we can go out somewhere (individually or as a couple) and know people will be there to talk to. We want a circle of like-minded frinds to - frankly - fool around with, but we don't know where to start. K has a huge circle of poly & bi friendly friends, and the impression so far has been that she'd like to include C/us in that circle, but I'm nervous about that because they're goth/alternative types and I wouldn't fit in. Plus already-established groups can be so difficult to penetrate.

C also thinks that I'm making too much of the gay thing, that he's worried that I'll be disappointed if he decides that going to gay bars (and men) are not his thing. And I would be disappointed, because it's something I've wanted for a long time, and it's a world and lifestyle I feel suits me "best" (although it never can entirely, but all the other choices are worse), and the door to it has been opened so tantalisingly briefly that I don't want it slammed back in my face.

I says I should just find some gay friends and just go out with them, but that's easier said than done, isn't it? I can't just phone up the few gay guys I know and say "Hey! Can I be your fag hag?" I suppose I (wrongly) have been viewing C as something of a "passport" to a 'place' I really want to be. It just appeals more then everything I have open to me as a straight woman: a 'place' where you can be promiscuous without being branded a slut (as women often are); a 'place' where open relationships are more normal; a 'place' where you're not expected to be drooling over diamond rings or crying in front of Mothercare at 30; a 'place' where - shit! - you can cruise for sex, where there are special places to cruise for sex! A 'place' where men can be pretty and objectified and where I can (at least play at being) the active partner I need to be. All the stuff that I want so badly but cannot have. All those things that just don't, or rarely, happen elsewhere.

I am hoping, I am hoping, I am hoping that all this is something I will grow out of. I am hoping that one day I will realise that I am what I am, whether or not I fit in anywhere. I am hoping that one day I'll accept that there are some things I'll just never be able to have, and that I won't mourn too much.

I suppose I'm quite afraid about the future. That I'll wake up one day and all the friends I have will be married and childed and unable to come out because they can't get a babysitter. And that all the places I like to go are full of people fifteen years younger then me, and who view me as some washed-up, dried out old loser. And the gay bars will have no place for a decidedly un-fabulous person like me. And I (and whomever I'm with, if I'm not single) will wind going to creepy old swinging clubs where all the other couples are nothing like us; and where the women are objects of active desire but not the men; and where every man is a middle manager and every woman (wife) is a stay-at-home mother, and their greatest joys in life are a below-par Indian take-away on a Friday night followed by watching Bratleigh and Snotleigh play football on Saturday afternoons.

I suppose I'm just worried that if I don't fit in anywhere now, where the hell am I going to fit anywhere in the future? When I'm older, when the options are more limited? When I'm even more of a freak, socially?

And then there's the "wishing I was single" thing. I suppose the grass is always perceived as being greener on the other side. I also think a lot of it is a sort of cabin fever. I still occasionally feel that my space has been totally invaded, and I feel like screaming "IT'S MY HOUSE!!!", but on the other hand I wouldn't want to not see C every day. If we were able to live in a 2-bedroom (or bigger) place it might be better, but that's so impossible right now we can't even consider it (renting's financially possible but out of the question, buying together is financially impossible, as we'd need to be earning over �50k combined to buy a 2-bed in Battersea, or over �120k combined to buy a 2-bed in Soho, where we'd rather live). And I don't even know if I could, mentally, cope with buying jointly. Doing it "on my own" was so important for me, and so difficult, and such a triumph that buying jointly feels like a limp-wristed cop-out.

I know in my heart of hearts that in C, I have the best of both worlds - coupled and singled. I suppose I'm just having trouble getting used to the idea of being in a relationship (still). Or at least, I have trouble letting myself have difficulty getting used to being in a relationship, seeing as from the outset we're all programmed to believe that being in a relationship is one of our ultimate aims.

And, frankly, if I hadn't met C I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I don't know where I'm going with this. It's just a whinge. C & I are scheduled to talk about it this evening (though whether I'll still feel the need remains to be seen).

In other news, C & I saw DJ/producer/professional beer drinker Chris Evans in Soho. Also saw the twins who are in the O2 sponsorship ads for Big Brother. They were in Soho Square wearing matching muscle-back t-shirts and lapping up the attention they drew.

[End]

I am very glad today is over. I am going to sleep.